A Letter to my beautiful Daughters.....

To those of you that were followers of our blog, first of all....my apologies...it has been almost a year since I have taken the time to document our lives.... Please bear with me for just a moment as I change my style of writing...in the past, I found it fun to document our everyday life through the eyes of our daughters...using the words I imagine would come out of their mouths based strictly off the expressions on their face and the moment I captured on camera. For just this moment, I am writing to my girls...my feelings...my thoughts....my words.... My beautiful Lauren and Miley, It has been almost a year since God has made a major change to our little world....the most difficult change of my life... On April 26th, 2010 our lives were forever changed....I will never forget the morning as I was waking up and heard a knock on our door...I didn't want to answer it because I was just crawling out of bed and didn't want to face whoever was standing on the other side...and I wish I had not...I wish I could have never answered the door to find my brother standing on the other side about to give me the worst news I had ever received in my life....my Mom had passed....(here I am one year later and I still cannot even get myself to say it...or write it...it's so hard to accept...) I recall the knock on the door like it was yesterday. It was a loud knock that echoed up the stairwell....and it wasn't just once...it was a few times...it was one of those moments where you just knew something was not right. I hate feelings like that in life...I wish I could guarantee you that you will never have that feeling in your life, but I can't....it's impossible... When I received the news that you had just lost the most amazing Grandmother that God had ever created for you, I dropped...I did not know how in the world I was going to tell you that we would not get to see Grandma anymore....as I write this, I am literally sick at the thought of all of it! Having to look into your tiny little faces knowing that you would not understand the changes that would be placed upon you is something I am angry at God for .....yes....angry! I have spent the past year trying to process emotions I never even knew existed.....looking back at the way I have been trying to take all of this in, I have come to realize something...I have never felt sadness in my life until now! Wow....to be able to say that, it goes to show you just how amazing your Grandmother was to me!! I had never felt sadness....how many people can say that?? This past year, I have indeed never put my camera down....I just have not had the energy to post the pictures on here and document all that we have done despite the changes that have taken place! I feel like there is this need for me to apologize to you....yes, you are only 2 and 3 years old at this time, but as your Mom, I have this tremendous amount on guilt that clouds over me daily and hangs over me at all times! I have not been the Mom I want to be...the Mom I was....I am sad and I hurt... Everyday as I watch the two of you grow and learn and laugh, I watch you and I am so proud and so happy....yet, I cry...I cry inside and out...I want your Grandma to be here for all of this...just like she was....I miss her everyday! I know it's true when people say..."She's still here...she's still watching"....but I can't lie....it sucks....and it's not the same! I am going to post every picture of every moment we have had for the past year because they are all still in my memory and they are all still so very important to me! I want you to see that our lives have still been going on despite the pain I feel inside! I will still post the emotions that I have gone through at those moments...because they are real....they are a part of our moments.... I am tired...I am tired of crying....tired of feeling so bad inside and tired of feeling cheated...cheated of watching my girls play with their Grandma just one more time....just one more push on the swings....just one more "If you're Happy and you Know it" song.....I miss every moment we ever had together! There will never be a way for me to fully explain to you the love that your Grandma had for you....never! I do believe that God places all of us here on earth for a reason and when I tell you that your Grandma was placed here on this earth to be a Mom and Grandma, know that I truly feel this, and know that she truly lived that life! She was by far the most amazing Mom and Grandma we could have ever asked for! We were all so very blessed! I beat myself up because I have this tremendous amount of guilt that surrounds me because I have let myself down! I have not been able to take all of this in and process it....I have not allowed myself to grieve as a daughter. I miss my Mom....I want her here....I want her to share every moment we have....I want to see the reaction on her face when you accomplish the smallest of tasks....I loved to watch her....as she watched the two of you! It made my heart smile to see her so in love with both of you! Inside I feel like I have this need to confess to the two of you....confess for having to watch me not give you my all....all the time! It's something that came natural to me, it was the only way I knew...it was the way I was raised as well! But then I look at the big picture and I realize, I should not feel this way....this is part of life, and as much as I hate these feelings, they are real....so very real! One day, you too will feel pain....this is natural...it's OK! I pray that when you do find yourself in this situation, if I am not here to hold your hand through it, embrace each other....that is why God gave us family and friends....we are here for each other! I thank God for the family and friends I have had to help me through this year! I want you both to know that despite my anger towards God, I still love him with all my heart, and I do know that he indeed has a plan and only wants what is best for us! Believe in him....even when you feel like you cannot! Allow yourself to be angry with him....I am certain he can handle it! Pray to him everyday....I always have and I will continue to do so my entire life. Thank him for all you have been given in life...I have done this for as long as I can remember and I never allow myself to fall asleep without doing so! You have a lot to be thankful and grateful for...as do I! I also want you both to know that I love you with all my heart! I thank God for allowing me to be your Mom! What an amazing privilege to be given....being a Mom! I know it is time for me to start picking up the pieces....to start putting this puzzle back together....and no....we will never find that missing piece....not until God brings us all back together again....and I cannot lie....I don't want that to happen anytime soon! It is time for me to get back on track and give to you what I was given.....one really amazing childhood!!! Don't get the wrong impression...you have not been given a "bad" year....Mommy has just not been focused like I like to be! The pictures will tell the story.....life has gone on.....I didn't want to admit it....it's why I have not been posting updates....I felt like I was admitting that life is going on.....without Grandma...without my Mom....something I didn't want to admit....yet it is exactly what she would have wanted....for us to keep going....keep smiling....keep laughing! I am certain we will do all of this, but deep down in my heart....there will always be this huge empty spot....darn it....I MISS MY MOMMY!!! May God give me the power to continue to put one foot in front of the other....to keep moving when I just don't want to.....and to give you the memories I have been given....then I too will know that I have accomplished just what I was put here on earth to do as well....to be your Mommy!!! I love you both with all my heart!! Love, Mommy